Bill Gates shared his summer book list, singling one as a must-read.

The book, titled "How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen," written by New York Times op-ed columnist David Brooks and published in October 2023, provides research and advice on improving communication and connections with others.

Gates expressed in last month's blog that this book is more than just a guide to better conversations. It is a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living, emphasizing that it is a must-read essential for anyone seeking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives.

Brooks' book outlines three themes that can help you understand the people around you: curiosity, empathy, and self-awareness.

The Power of Curiosity

Brooks observes that some individuals excel in conversations because they can genuinely show interest in others and allow them the space to share their stories and viewpoints. He refers to these individuals as illuminators, contrasting them with diminishers, who lack this skill.

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During a discussion at Colgate University in February, Brooks pointed out that Diminishers lack curiosity and do not ask questions. On the contrary, Illuminators show genuine interest, engaging others by asking questions.

Brooks notes that individuals tend to feel more comfortable opening up to someone who genuinely cares about them and appreciate being asked thoughtful questions at opportune moments. However, diminishers often pose closed-ended questions or divert the conversation back to themselves. Gates finds these insights really helpful in his personal life, emphasizing the importance of asking open-ended questions to encourage deeper sharing.

Empathy-Building Skills

Listening to others is crucial, but truly understanding and connecting with their stories can significantly enhance the impact of your conversations. 

Brooks underscores each person's individuality, likening them to creative artists who craft their unique perspectives on life. He emphasizes that people need recognition and acceptance from others to flourish. According to Brooks, demonstrating empathy can be more challenging than simply stating it.

In an October 2023 episode of the "Everything Happens" podcast, Brooks explained the breakdown of empathy into three skills. The first is mirroring, which involves recognizing and reflecting emotions. The second is mentalizing, where one forms a theory about one's feelings based on past experiences. Lastly, the third skill is caring.

Brooks advises that when someone discusses a sensitive topic with you, it is essential to take note of their words and actions. To demonstrate understanding, mirror their sentiments using phrases like "So what I'm hearing is..." or "Are you saying that...?" Afterward, offer insight into the conversation and reassure them of your support, concluding the discussion with empathy and care.

Did I Miss Something Here?

Brooks suggests cultivating introspection and self-awareness because being overly stuck in one's perspective can hinder understanding the viewpoints of others, as he discussed in an October 2023 article for The New York Times.

In his writing, he acknowledges carrying a weight of elite status stemming from his work for prestigious publications and his past teaching position at Yale. He recognizes that individuals on both ends of the political spectrum may perceive him as part of systems they believe marginalize or disregard them.

Brooks describes how he opts not to respond with defensiveness or argumentation. Instead, he actively challenges himself by asking what he misses there. Brooks highlights the difficulty of cultivating self-awareness independently and recommends seeking input from friends, loved ones, and colleagues to gain insight into how they perceive you to help identify biases and reshape your approach to interacting with others.

Having friends who can offer an external perspective on one's adult legacies stemming from childhood wounds can play a crucial role in helping individuals see their situations accurately, providing insights that may not be apparent from within.

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